On Friday I saw Karen our nutritionist. It went really well. For starters, I was weighed, and I didn’t gain any weight. Granted I didn’t lose weight either, but I am maintaining which is a positive for now. Karen said that I was the only person out of all her clients who maintained their weight over the xmas period. Everyone else put on between 2 and 7 pounds. So I was happy to know that. We looked at some goals for the coming week, and I made a few. I decided to aim to do 15 mins of exercise per day, as well as try to drink more water, and herbal teas. We talked about what I could do if I succeed at my goals, and I decided on buying a cd or doing some other thing that was not related to food in any way. We completed a work sheet on vision for success. Basically, it had a lot of questions about what target weight I’d like to achieve, what life would look like once I get there, what things I’d be able to do that I cant do now at my current weight etc. I thought it was a good thing to explore. We also discussed the bulimia a little bit. She just asked me how I was doing in regards to that. I told her I hadn’t binged or purged in a few weeks, that since I started the weight loss programme with her I didn’t feel the need to do unhealthy behaviours. Plus also our therapist had talked to us about the ramifications of doing those sort of behaviours. The main thing our therapist told us was that if we eat and then throw up, its pretty pointless as the calorific content of the food has already gone into our body, and very little of that food will come out when we vomit. So that makes things a little easier when we know that. Karen decided that we’d do weekly appointments from here on out. So she will see us again next Friday. The goal for next Friday is to have lost 2 pounds, and over the next six weeks the goal is to lose 14 pounds. I think thats achievable and really realistic. I hope I can reach that goal…I’ll be delighted if I do.
This is a post I wrote last week after I saw Karen, the nutritionist dr Barry referred us to. I wrote this up but I didnt post it but I want to now. Any and all feedback welcome.
So I went to see Karen the nutritionist that dr barry refered me to this morning. It was a good session and very interesting. We went through some of my history, surrounding my diagnosis, my families history of illness and my own history of illnesses too. Then she talked to me about different parts of the body and some symptoms surrounding those parts. For example we discussed the digestive system, the immune system, and the liver, and the different symptoms that I might be displaying and what might be going on there. She weighed me also, and, I weigh 217 pounds. I wasn’t surprised at my weight as it was what I thought it might be. She went through a healthy eating plan with me and the next time that I see her I hope to be down some weight. Basically I’ll be eating either wheat bread with peanut butter, or wheat bread with soe eggs, or some cerial or a yogurt for breakfast. For lunch I’ll be eating a rap or pittabread with either chicken and cheese, or ham and cheese or turkey and cheese on it. And for dinner I’ll be having brown pasta, brown rice or potatos, lots of vegetables, and a small portion of meat with no fat on it. Then for snacks she said I could have either some nuts, some fruit, or rice cakes or wholewheat crackers. Im also supposed to drink lots of water, she said it would help detox my skin and I’d probably lose a few pounds from just drinking lots of water because of the detoxing. Im also supposed to start exercising which I’d intended to do anywah starting next week. I think, realistically I can lose about 7 to 10 pounds by the next time I see her which will be two weeks from today. I’m kinda looking forward to doing this new eating plan and doing it in a healthy way rather than in an unhealthy way. She gave me a recommendation for some seeds, I cant remember the name of them but she wrote it down for me. Basically what you do is mix a tablespoon of these seeds into your cerial or a yogurt and they break down fat for you. She said since I’d had my gall bladder removed that the fat doesn’t break down any more, because the gall bladder is used for breaking down the fat. So I’ll be getting my groceries on Saturday or Sunday and I’ll be doing a very healthy shop. So that was the appointment in a nutshell.
I started my voluntary position yesterday. I’m volunteering at the basement resource centre, the local drop in centre i go to for people who have mental health difficulties. I got on fine. I really enjoyed the two hours that i did. My job was to answer the phone, the door, and also to enter in some data into a spreadsheet. I was pretty nervous about doing the spreadsheet work as i don’t have much experience of using excel. But i did fine. I got all the work done in one hour. So then i just spent the second hour answering the phone and the door. Overall i was really happy with my first day though.
Im looking forward to the weekend. I joined a walking group for visually impaired people. Basically what it is is that we go for a walk, and each of us has a sighted guide, and then after we’re done with the walk we go for something to eat. Its nice just to be able to socialise with like minded people and also with other visually impaired people. I hope the weather will be good for us tomorrow but i think it probably wont because i watched the forecast and it said rain and more rain.
I got a call today from the nutritionist on dr barrys team. Her name is Karen. However i missed her call. I rang her bak but she never picked up. I’m hoping she was calling me to arrange an appointment. Since emilys been struggling so much lately, it would be nice to see someone and try to get that under control. There was a long waiting list to see Karen, but dr barry put in a word at last weeks team meeting to push things along, and it looks like now that it has worked. I’m hoping she’ll get back to me on Monday with good news.
Well thats all the updates from here. I hope your all doing well, or as well as you can be this week.
Todays appointment with dr barry was very intense. We were in with her for an hour and a half, the longest we’ve ever been with her. We discussed a lot of things, including a new medication, latuda. She wanted us to try it, and she was going to admit us to the hospital so that she could monitor us when we tried it. But i told her i didn’t want to go in. I was in the hospital at this time last year. I told her that despite all the overwhelming trauma memories, and suicidal thoughts, and other shit we’ve got going on, i don’t want to go into hospital at this time. I want to try and manage with Eileen and her help, and also the help of my friends and coping techniques. So she agreed with me eventually and for now we’re not starting any new medications. I didn’t bring nitro with me today, because of the weather and also because sometimes when i’m not doing well, having him isn’t the best idea. Its more of a hassle to try and control him when i’m doing pretty badly myself. Dr barry said she thought it would be a comfort to have him and that it would help me, so i had to explain to her why it wasn’t. After a while i said to her do you think i didn’t bring him with me because i was going to ask you to hospitalise me? And she said that the thought had crossed her mind. I cant believe she seriously thought i wanted to be hospitalised. I suppose she did, because she knows what a hard time these months are for us and maybe she thought i wasn’t coping and would rather be taken care of by the hospital. We also talked about the report that she has to write up for the police. She was asked by them to write up a comprehensive report on our mental health difficulties recently. She said no she wouldn’t do that, and she said she’d only give them minimum information. But today she had another thought. She told me that she was unclear what they wanted it for. And so she’s going to write them again and ask them exactly what information they want and why they want it. She said the fact that i am also unclear about why they want it is a red flag for her. Plus also she’d spoken to her clinical director who’d told her she was well within her rights to say she wasn’t happy with the letter she’d received and get clarification around it. She read me out the letter that the superintendant sent her, it seems like a standard letter, like one they send everyone who they ask for a report from. I’m glad she’s not just giving out information about us that could be confidential and i don’t want them to have irrelevant information or personal information that they don’t need so thats a good thing in my opinion. We talked about me being sick for the past week. I was really bad last weekend, then i seemed to get a little better, but now i seem to be worse again. She had a theory that maybe its psychological and due to the severe stress i am under that my symptoms are showing up as physical symptoms. I had to agree it does sound plausible. I also told her about finding diet pills and laxatives in my house. Emily whose 12 and a bulimic had been storing them and using them. She said she’s not surprised that emilys eating disordered behavious is coming to the forefront at this time of the year. I made Emily talk to her because i was so worried about her. I was also a little mad that she’d been using the diet pills because of how dangerous they are. She didn’t want to tell dr barry about what she’d been doing but eventually she did and they discussed it and she promised her she wouldn’t do it again. I go back next Monday to get my injection of xeplion and also to see dr barry as well. I know thats really soon but i think its also a good thing because i have both the support of our psychiatrist and therapist and those two people along with my partner and friends will keep me out of the hospital. And that cant be a bad thing.
I had some time with our therapist last night. I told her about our healthy eating plan. She said that I am doing good to try that, even though I have an eating disorder. I told her that I hoped I’d be able to resist from stepping on the scales 100 times a day, I’m kinda obsessed with doing that. She told me to stick to weighing myself once a week, the same time every time. She said if I cant resist the scales, then I should not go near it, instead I should let the adults like Carol anne and Brooklyn and Liz and the other adults worry about the scales. I said I’d try but I couldnt promise anything. But so far I havent weighed myself which is good, right? I told her that Dr B, who is our psychiatrist, had told me that I need to work on my impulsivity. She said we could try working on that when I come out over the next few weeks if I want to. She asked me if I could think of any ways of distracting myself from doing impulsive things. I said not really, and then she said what about taking a deep breath, when your head starts going crazy with thoughts. So we tried that. She said I’m good at taking deep breaths! She said “your probably one of the best in the system at doing that!”. That made me happy. I told her that when I take a deep breath, I try to focus on the breath. She said that was good because you cant do two things at once, when you breathe in you have to focus on it, so it allows you to stop thinking for a while. Over the next week I’m going to try the deep breatheing thing. We also talked about relaxation. She asked me if I could sit back into the chair, because I was sitting bolt upright in the chair. I said thats cuz I am always ready to run! I need to be ready just in case something happens! She said could I trust her to look after me and I said yes I think I can. She said nobody would come in, and if anyone came to the office door that she’d be the one to deal with them, and I dont have to worry about that. So we practiced sitting back into the chair, and relaxing. That was really hard, but I did it! We’re going to practice noticing that too over the next few sessions, noticing when I’m not relaxed and stuff.
Emily age 12