Tomorrow I have an apt with Karen the nutritionist. I dont want to go. I’m so nervous. I dont think I’ve met my target, and that makes me feel bad. I just know if I havent managed to lose any weight I’ll be disappointed. I hate teing disappointed. When I havent lost weight and when the numbers stay the same, or even go up, I get so depressed. I feel like just giving up. It makes me want to do distructive things. It makes me feel awful. Its bad enough I feel fat and disgusting. People say to me your blind, why does it matter, you cant see what you look like. But it does matter. Everyone likes to look nice, and most women want to be slim and thin and pretty. I am no exception even though I am blind. Being fat is the worst feeling in the world. Being on meds doesnt help of course, they make you gain weight. I dont care if the doctors say otherwise, I believe the meds have a role to play in my being overweight. Of course there is also the small problem of my bulimia, and the fact I binge on junk food, its a vicious cycle, because I binge, then want to get rid of the large amounts of calories, so in order to do that I throw up. Then the feelings of shame, guilt, frustration, inadequacy come flooding me and I am back to square one again. I really hope tomorrows apt is a success. Its been 3 weeks since I’ve gone. One week I didnt go because my grandad died, one week I was sick, and last week I just wasnt motivated and canceled. Its so hard to stay motivated when the weight is flucuating, my problem is I can only lose about 4 pounds, then I am stuck for weeks at the same weight. She says its because my gall bladder is gone, and thats the organ that breaks down the fat in your body. I just dont know. What I do know is its really disheartening when you arent succeeding as you should be.
Pretty nervous right now cuz have to see Karen our nutritionist tomorrow afternoon. she’s real nice and I like her a lot and I know I shouldnt be nervous. I always get nervous though in case I dont or wont reach my targets. I’m redoing the weight loss programme over again. I started last week. Its a six week programme but I think you can do it as many times as you need to. This is my second time doing it. The first time I didnt get to losing much weight, there was so much other stuff going on that I kept slipping, and not reaching my targets. So last week I did reach my target, I lost a pound. I’m hoping to at least lose another pound this week. We put down to lose 1 pound as a goal. If I lose any more I’ll be stoked but one pound will be good too. I also put down to drink more water, and strengthen my muscles. Exercise is a real problem for me, trying to motivate myself to do it and keep doing it is an issue. I’ve tried numerous things such as setting an alarm, doing it at a certain time of day, etc but so far nothings worked. Even this week I didnt do nearly as much exercise as I’d wanted to do. I did good with food intake though so I’m hopeful that it will be enough and I’ll have lost the weight. I do realise though that you dont get as much result unless you exercise. My reward for reaching goals is buying a new book, I think I wont reward myself this week. I think I’ll wait until next week and until I can complete a full week of exercise. I was tempted to binge and purge a few times this week when emotions were really intense and overwhelming but I didnt, so that is a good thing, right? It means I’m learning to deal successfully with emotions and not turn to unhealthy coping strategies.
This is one of my favourite songs by this band. Warning trigger for lyrics about eating disorders. I used to constantly listen to this. I think it is so powerful and it really rings through for me. I hope it does for you too.
I’m so upset right now. My mom just lectured me about my weight. Why does she feel the need to knit pick? I mean I know I have a problem. I know that. Doesnt she know I know? Why does she feel the need to harp on me about it? It really upsets me and makes me so depressed thinking about my weight. With her harping on it I start thinking how fat I am and how I need to lose. Then I start trying to come up with plans to lose it. Only my plans include purging, starving, using laxatives, doing all the wrong sorts of things. I know in reality that wont help. I know that. But when she keeps saying shit to me its hard to think about reality. On the way home in the car today she was all like if you keep eating fatty food you’ll get huge “right now I weigh about 218 pounds”. And she was like your eating all the wrong things. You have a crappy diet. I told her to stop lecturing me, that I was going to sort it out. She said oh I’ve heard that before, I’m not even going to listen, your almost 35. If I am almost 35 why is she lecturing me? You’d think she’d know better. When she was a teen she was huge. She ate all the wrong things. And my dad helped her to lose the weight when they met. But she’s always on to me about weight. Today she said I wasted my time going walking the other day because I had eaten take out food twice this week. Its hard to cook for one you see. I don’t want to be bothered. I know that sounds as if I am lazy, I’m not. But at night I get hungry. And then I eat pizza or something like that. Twice this week I have. And now everyones on to me about it mom, my sister, my dad…and I am just obsessing now and trying to think what I can do. I know I need to talk to my nutritionist about it probably but I know this week when I go I’m going to be probably up weight and then I’ll be absolutely disgusted with myself. I’ll be so disappointed. Why is weight so fucking tough to deal with?
Just got home from seeing Karen our nutritionist. And I must say I’m not a happy camper today. I was weighed and I am up 2 pounds. So not only did I not lose any weight, but I gained 2 pounds which is not good. I do know where the problem is though which is good I guess. I didn’t exercise very much this week, only managing to get up on my treadmill twice and only for 10 minutes each time. I’m determined that this week I’ll do much better. I’m going to try to achieve my goals, which are to exercise for 15 minutes every day, to drink more water, eat breakfast every day, and cut down on my intake of bread. Hopefully I’ll manage to achieve them and do better than I have been doing. Its such a battle this losing weight. We talked today about motivation, and about how I could better motivate myself. We talked about making losing weight more exciting or fun, for example collecting recipes for smoothies, or food I can make that is low fat. Also we talked about doing something rewarding for myself every day if I did good on that given day, for example, reading for half an hour, listening to my favourite music, phoning a friend etc. I said I’d leave the bigger rewards like buying myself something, or doing something like a spa day or having a facial until I actually achieved something, like losing a certain amount of weight etc etc. I almost cried when she said I’d gained 2 pounds. All of my ED thoughts and things came flooding back to me and I was reminded how much I actually do struggle with anything thats related to food. She was nice about it though she didn’t lecture me or say I did really bad. She just said that hopefully next week would be better for me and I’d fulfil my goals. I seriously hope so as I feel right now I’m wasting her time.