feeling so alone. triggered. emotional. my head is spinning, literally. Want to cry but cant. Hate this so much. Just feel so much emotion, ug.
I feel dead on the inside. Numb. Empty. Sad and weary. Wish I could cry. Think a good cry is what I badly need. The tears wont come though think they’re stuck and cant get out.
Im having the worst crying spells today. They started when I woke up. Of course it didnt help that I dreamed of awful stuff all night.
I hate nights like that. I hate nightmares. I went to sleep remembering, and the memories started to play out in my dreams. I hate when that happens.
Now this morning the tears flow. And they wont stop. It hurts. I hurt. Every part of me hurts, all over my body hurts.
it terrifys me to see doctor barry sad when we tell her things. i start to panick. i start to get really nervous. what if i upset her and she leaves? what if she cant take any more of me, of us? she says shes not leaving. but a lot of people in our life have said such things. what if this is just another person saying the same thing. it makes me feel heard too though when she validates my our feelings. to see her struggle with her own sadness and try to comprehend our world, our feelings, validates me. i feel likesomeone actually sees us for who we are and what we’ve gone through. obviously i dont want to make her sad or upset. i dont want her to cry at our story. but as others have told me it is an awful story. i guess i dont see the magnitude of it sometimes because I am caught up in it all. its just a fear of mine, actually of all of us that we will attach to doctor barry fully and then she’ll up and leave. its all about the attachment, she knows that, we know that too. last week during our appointment she almost cried again. she took in a long sharp breath at one point when she read my writing. then she let out a long exhale, like she was trying her hardest to not let her emotions get the best of her. i noticed, we noticced that. We were painfully aware of it. I think today I will ask her directly if our stuff effects her. No sense in me thinking things and maybe I am wrong. Maybe I should just ask her honestly and hope she’ll answer me honestly.