Tag Archives: Complex PTSD

Little poem that I just wrote

tattered and torn
used and worn
feeling so numb
trapped in her body
that she wants to shed
feeling so miserable
on a dismal wet day
days like this she always feels empty
feeling less than whole
because she is not whole
dissociation makes her fuzzy
the fuzzy feeling invades
her head swirls and spins
until she thinks it will fall off
at least for now there are no flashbacks intruding
that in itself is a blessing
but she knows it wont last
Carol anne
c2014

Had to give in, again

Its 5 AM. We just had to give in and ask for PRN again. We were sick again tonight. That was around midnight. When we eventually told a staff member, they did get the doc on call to give us an anti-immetic stop to the vomiting.
It was bad. The flashbacks were bad. I am so very exhausted from them. They are tearing me us apart.
So now we got 2 MG of ativan. We are not able to go back to sleep though. We’ll just stay online for a while I think.
Carol anne

Transfer complete

Well its all done and dusted. I’ve been transferred down to st Michaels psych unit. Ro kicked off such a fuss that they got a doctor up and somehow, even though they said they couldn’t earlier today, they got us a bed. So we’re here, and settling in. And let me just say that I have never been so happy to be back on the regular psychiatric unit. The locked unit was not good. Not good at all for us. It stressed us out further and only served to traumatise us further. It made insiders act up and act out, with us ending up sectioned for a day which is not pleasant. No clothes, no underwear, a gown only to wear. It was not cool. I’m just happy to be here and I will stay as long as it takes to do any further assessments. We wont see Dr barry again now until Tuesday which is kind of bla cuz I wanted to chat to her. But we’ll be able to have visitors over the weekend, our moms coming tomorrow, and we have plenty of treats thanks to Doris for sending a magical care package. The finding nemo pillow is a huge hit with all the patients and we wont forget to give out lollipops either! Love ya Doris your a cool friend! XXX everyone
Carol anne

allie im scared

im scared to go to the locked ward
im scared of the patients there
i know they are sick too
but what if one of them attacks us
it is hard cuz we cant see
so then we cant defend ourselves
i know there are staff working there
and dr barry said the unit is small
so there is more one on one care
i wish we didnt have to go though
or else i wish we’d gone yesterday and not had to wait a whole weekend being nervous
there was no bed yesterday though
i am also scared that if we get told we cant live on our own
that they’ll put us somewhere and dr barry wont be our doctor any more
i need dr barry
i cant have another doctor
we just got used to dr barry
ill have to try to ask her on monday about if she’ll still be our doctor
i know before
dr collins kept us
even when we moved areas
i hope dr barry will too if it comes to that
i do think they are going to say we arent safe to be on our own
that makes me sad
our dad is talking about selling all of our stuff
because where will we put it
it is just so so sad
and i am so so scared
allie 9

PTSD symptoms fucking suck

Yes they do. They really, really suck.

Today we’re really feeling the PTSD symptoms. They are quite debilitating.

The flashbacks and accompanying feelings are horrendous. I hate them so much. They make me feel so suicidal, like I just…I dont want to live.

I dont want to spend my days going through these memories. It hurts. I hurt. The pain is unbelievable.

I’m trying to fake it. I’m trying to not let on I’m swimming in trauma. Nobody down here in the basement club knows I’m absolutely in freak out mode. I’m keeping up a good front.

I dont want to but I have to. It is a must. I cant let the real me show.

I feel too vulnerable…to fragile…I feel like I may just shatter any second.
Carol anne