Tag Archives: Complex PTSD

Dr Barry says I’ve come so far

i saw dr barry today. i was so happy to get to see her. we talked about lots of stuff, but mainly our focus was on eileens vacation. i told her about our most recent session, last friday, where for the first time in a long time, i cried. i was so distressed, and completely lost it on eileen. all my abandonment issues and insecurities about eileen continuing to see us and work with us came flooding back over last week, building up until on friday it was all i could do to sit there and try not to explode, because i didnt want eileen to go, i felt hurt, abandoned by her, i even told her how much i hated her, which isnt true at all, but when your that distressed you’ll say anything!
It went like this.
Me: I hate you eileen! Why are you doing this to me, I hate you!
Eileen: Its ok Carol anne. It will be ok. I hear you. Its ok to hate me!
Me: If you cared, you wouldnt leave me.
Eileen: Did someone leave you in the past? Carol anne, I think its a memory.
Me: This isnt the past. This is now. And your leaving for two weeks. And its not fair, I dont want you to go!
Eileen: I know. But its about self care. I will come back, and I will work even better and be able to be available to you more, be there when you need me, refreshed, and recharged!
me…crying, its just not fair. I just, I just need you.

Dr Barry said today when I told her all this that we’ve come so far. I’ve come so far. To be able to express to eileen the intensity of my feelings was huge. And I did it. A year ago she said I wouldnt have been able to do that. And she’s right, I wouldnt. I felt good hearing Dr Barry congratulate me and be proud of me. She said it shows how much Eileen means to me, how much our relationship means to me. She said, that for me to be able to say to Eileen that I hated her, when I know I clearly dont, says a lot about how much I trust her. And thats true too.
We talked about other stuff today too. Like my appointment with mark the OT, karen the nutritionist, our sleep, our upcoming holiday with our mom and sister, amongst other things. I’ll be seeing Dr Barry again on Wednesday morning. That isnt too long away soo all I have to do now is remember how proud of me she was, remember her words, and keep busy until Wednesday. That should be easy I think.

good article on Ritual abuse, mind control, and programming

Here is an excellent article on ritual abuse and mind control. A heads up, this is a very triggery article for survivors so be careful when reading it. I think it describes the phenomena very well and it is a great read. There arent a lot of very good articles out there that do justice to this awful subject but this one does.


Mondays therapy session

Therapy yesterday was intense. We had a lot to talk about and work on including working on memories from the solstace triggers, but to be honest we never really worked on the memories fully, because Eileen said to do it I had to be solid, grounded, very stable, and secure in myself. She said its all about safe trauma processing and she wasnt going to dive into it and overwhelm us. Thats ok though. I dont want to become overwhelmed. So we worked around the memories, on the feelings associated with them, and on deep breathing. I am not good at being able to breathe deeply, slowly, etc. So eileen had me do some visualisations, and she held my hands and we did some breathing where she counted for four and i breathed in, and then she counted for five as I breathed out. That kinda worked. I was able to breathe then but she did say I only use my upper chest and I dont breathe into my belly. So she placed her hand on my stomach and we tried to have me breathe into it. I wasnt really able to manage it though. We’re going to keep working on it. We did some work with some younger parts, Eileen had me show them our house, by imagining the house, imagining me holding their hand, walking up to the house, going in, and then showing them around. Showing them that its safe now, its 2015, we’re safe, they are safe. Inviting them to live in our house too. They were in awe and were excited to know that its not back then, and they are safe. So many of them are stuck in trauma, and are in a current state of feeling unsafe. It was good that we were able to do this to show them otherwise. By the end of the session I was completely drained. Of course I asked Eileen for a huge hug before I left which she gladly gave me. I did not want to let go of her. As she held me I breathed in her smell, I listened to her heartbeat and it grounded me and I felt able to leave and go home and I wasnt triggered or dissociated or anything.

night time equals flashbacks

im hurting, scared, sad, upset, fearful, just a mess. its 2 AM. i’m triggered. we all are. we’re getting flashbacks, we feel terrible. we’re at our parents and everyone is in bed so we’re alone. if anyones out there we’d appreciate some support. just not feeling good and wish tomorrow would come. it seems less scary when its bright outside. when there are other people around. when its daytime.
carol anne

Avoiding Dr Barry

So we are avoiding Dr Barry. Its complicated. Basically we are scared that we will get overwhelmed, if we go and talk to her. We dont want to be overwhelmed. But we do want her to be aware of what is going on for us. So its tricky. Because, unless we tell her, then she’s not going to know. Eileen was going to phone her and talk to her about us. Tell her that we’re getting overwhelmed and some insiders are becoming activated and unstable by stuff that we’re discussing. I was thinking she might be mad. That we didnt tell her this ourselves. We probably should have. But it was so hard to try to convey it to her. We just became like a kid…unable to express it. I did not go to see her yesterday. Too afraid of her reaction. So dissociation kicked in and we didnt go. She’ll probably guess that there is resistance. She’s good at picking that sorta stuff up. Now, because we didnt go this week, I’m not sure we’ll see her next week. K her secretary said she’d leave our file for Dr Barry and she can decide. I hope she decides that yes we should have an appointment next week.