i saw dr barry today. i was so happy to get to see her. we talked about lots of stuff, but mainly our focus was on eileens vacation. i told her about our most recent session, last friday, where for the first time in a long time, i cried. i was so distressed, and completely lost it on eileen. all my abandonment issues and insecurities about eileen continuing to see us and work with us came flooding back over last week, building up until on friday it was all i could do to sit there and try not to explode, because i didnt want eileen to go, i felt hurt, abandoned by her, i even told her how much i hated her, which isnt true at all, but when your that distressed you’ll say anything!
It went like this.
Me: I hate you eileen! Why are you doing this to me, I hate you!
Eileen: Its ok Carol anne. It will be ok. I hear you. Its ok to hate me!
Me: If you cared, you wouldnt leave me.
Eileen: Did someone leave you in the past? Carol anne, I think its a memory.
Me: This isnt the past. This is now. And your leaving for two weeks. And its not fair, I dont want you to go!
Eileen: I know. But its about self care. I will come back, and I will work even better and be able to be available to you more, be there when you need me, refreshed, and recharged!
me…crying, its just not fair. I just, I just need you.
Dr Barry said today when I told her all this that we’ve come so far. I’ve come so far. To be able to express to eileen the intensity of my feelings was huge. And I did it. A year ago she said I wouldnt have been able to do that. And she’s right, I wouldnt. I felt good hearing Dr Barry congratulate me and be proud of me. She said it shows how much Eileen means to me, how much our relationship means to me. She said, that for me to be able to say to Eileen that I hated her, when I know I clearly dont, says a lot about how much I trust her. And thats true too.
We talked about other stuff today too. Like my appointment with mark the OT, karen the nutritionist, our sleep, our upcoming holiday with our mom and sister, amongst other things. I’ll be seeing Dr Barry again on Wednesday morning. That isnt too long away soo all I have to do now is remember how proud of me she was, remember her words, and keep busy until Wednesday. That should be easy I think.