Tomorrow I have an apt with Karen the nutritionist. I dont want to go. I’m so nervous. I dont think I’ve met my target, and that makes me feel bad. I just know if I havent managed to lose any weight I’ll be disappointed. I hate teing disappointed. When I havent lost weight and when the numbers stay the same, or even go up, I get so depressed. I feel like just giving up. It makes me want to do distructive things. It makes me feel awful. Its bad enough I feel fat and disgusting. People say to me your blind, why does it matter, you cant see what you look like. But it does matter. Everyone likes to look nice, and most women want to be slim and thin and pretty. I am no exception even though I am blind. Being fat is the worst feeling in the world. Being on meds doesnt help of course, they make you gain weight. I dont care if the doctors say otherwise, I believe the meds have a role to play in my being overweight. Of course there is also the small problem of my bulimia, and the fact I binge on junk food, its a vicious cycle, because I binge, then want to get rid of the large amounts of calories, so in order to do that I throw up. Then the feelings of shame, guilt, frustration, inadequacy come flooding me and I am back to square one again. I really hope tomorrows apt is a success. Its been 3 weeks since I’ve gone. One week I didnt go because my grandad died, one week I was sick, and last week I just wasnt motivated and canceled. Its so hard to stay motivated when the weight is flucuating, my problem is I can only lose about 4 pounds, then I am stuck for weeks at the same weight. She says its because my gall bladder is gone, and thats the organ that breaks down the fat in your body. I just dont know. What I do know is its really disheartening when you arent succeeding as you should be.
This is one of my favourite songs by this band. Warning trigger for lyrics about eating disorders. I used to constantly listen to this. I think it is so powerful and it really rings through for me. I hope it does for you too.
On Friday I saw Karen our nutritionist. It went really well. For starters, I was weighed, and I didn’t gain any weight. Granted I didn’t lose weight either, but I am maintaining which is a positive for now. Karen said that I was the only person out of all her clients who maintained their weight over the xmas period. Everyone else put on between 2 and 7 pounds. So I was happy to know that. We looked at some goals for the coming week, and I made a few. I decided to aim to do 15 mins of exercise per day, as well as try to drink more water, and herbal teas. We talked about what I could do if I succeed at my goals, and I decided on buying a cd or doing some other thing that was not related to food in any way. We completed a work sheet on vision for success. Basically, it had a lot of questions about what target weight I’d like to achieve, what life would look like once I get there, what things I’d be able to do that I cant do now at my current weight etc. I thought it was a good thing to explore. We also discussed the bulimia a little bit. She just asked me how I was doing in regards to that. I told her I hadn’t binged or purged in a few weeks, that since I started the weight loss programme with her I didn’t feel the need to do unhealthy behaviours. Plus also our therapist had talked to us about the ramifications of doing those sort of behaviours. The main thing our therapist told us was that if we eat and then throw up, its pretty pointless as the calorific content of the food has already gone into our body, and very little of that food will come out when we vomit. So that makes things a little easier when we know that. Karen decided that we’d do weekly appointments from here on out. So she will see us again next Friday. The goal for next Friday is to have lost 2 pounds, and over the next six weeks the goal is to lose 14 pounds. I think thats achievable and really realistic. I hope I can reach that goal…I’ll be delighted if I do.
Food is an ongoing issue for us. For me, and also for Emily. We both have eating disordered behaviours. I just ate two biscuits and I feel really bad now, like I’ve done something terribly wrong. I feel like I didnt deserve to eat them and now I should get rid of them out of my system. I’m really struggling not to purge. My head is telling me to do it. But I know I shouldnt so I’m trying hard not to listen to my head. Has your head ever said do something and your in a war against it? Thats how I feel. The other part is the weighing scales. I’m obsessed with weighing myself. I keep stepping up on it, hoping it will magically have gone down since the last time I checked. My weight usually flucuates throughout the day though. Logically I know thats normal. But my head goes into overdrive when it starts to happen. I wish weight and food and eating werent issues. I wish I didnt have to contend with them on a daily basis. Its just so difficult to get a handle on the issues around food and weight.