Tag Archives: Angry

RANTING

WELL YES HERE I AM AND I AM RANING SO BEWARE.

I’M SERIOUSLY SICK TO FUCKING DEATH OF MOST PEOPLE. MOST PEOPLE GET ON MY NERVES SO MUCH. I SERIOUSLY WANT TO JUST FUCKING SHAKE THEM AND SAY “QUIT WHINING”. “BE GLAD YOU DONT HAVE PTSD BECAUSE THAT HAS GOT TO BE ONE OF THE MOST FUCKING AWFUL CONDITIONS A PERSON HAS TO LIVE WITH”.
MOST PEOPLE IN MY DAY TO DAY LIFE DO NOT REALISE THE SHERE HORROR OF WHAT ITS LIKE TO LIVE WITH PTSD SYMPTOMS. ITS FUCKING DEBILITATING DONT YOU GET IT? THEY DONT. THEY REALLY FUCKING DONT GET IT.
LAST NIGHT I WAS GOING TO GO SEE A DOCTOR IN OUR EMERGENCY OUT OF HOURS ON CALL DOCTORS SERVICE. I WAS GOING TO GET SOME ANTIANXIETY MEDS FOR THE WEEKEND UNTIL WE SEE DR BARRY ON MONDAY. BUT I DIDNT BOTHER. DO YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE THOSE DOCTORS ARE GP’S. THEY ARE GP’S AND THEY ARE FUCKING USELESS WHEN IT COMES TO MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES. I DIDNT NEED THE HOSPITAL, BUT I KNOW IF I’D HAVE GONE TO A DOCTOR LAST NIGHT HE’D PROBABLY HAVE GIVEN ME A LETTER AND SENT ME DOWN TO THE PSYCH UNIT TO BE ASSESSED. I DIDNT NEED THAT. ALL I WANTED WAS A FEW TABLETS UNTIL MONDAY, UNTIL WE COULD SEE OUR PSYCHIATRIST.
SO LAST NIGHT, WHEN OUR INTERNET WENT OUT, WHEN WE WERE PRETTY FUCKING UNSTABLE BECAUSE OF TRAUMA FLASHBACKS, AND WHEN KIDS INSIDE WERE CRYING, SCREAMING, HALLUCINATING, AND NEEDED SOMEONE TO TELL THEM IT WOULD BE OK, WE WENT TO BED. INSTEAD OF CALLING SOMEONE, WE WENT TO BED AND SLEPT IT OFF. I’M ACTUALLY SURPRISED WE GOT ANY SLEEP, BUT WE ACTUALLY DID, FROM 5 30 LAST EVENING, UNTIL 3 30 THIS MORNING, WE SLEPT. WEIRD HOW THAT CAN HAPPEN ISNT IT? ONE DAY WE ARE UNABLE TO SLEEP FOR 48 HOURS, AND THEN WE CAN SLEEP FROM SHERE EXHAUSTION FOR HALF OF THE DAY.
THINGS ARE BETTER THIS MORNING. THANK GOODNESS AND THANKFULLY WE GOT THROUGH WITHOUT THE MEDS. BUT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE TO HAVE SOMETHING, AND TO BE DEALING WITH PEOPLE WHO GOT IT, WHO WOULDNT JUST SEND US ELSEWHERE BECAUSE OF OUR CONDITION, BECAUSE OUR DIAGNOSIS IS TOO COMPLEX FOR THEM TO DEAL WITH.
SUFFICE TO SAY I’M PISSY THIS MORNING. I THINK I’LL TEXT OUR THERAPIST. SHE’LL KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO ME TO MAKE ME FEEL LESS ANGRY.
LIZ

Conversations and realisations about anger

It is me Alicia. I had an interesting talk to our therapist tonight about anger and about my anger and how i can lessen it. It went like this.

Me: Eileen, Im so angry at you, and, I was so angry at you on Monday.
You see on Monday carol anne called Eileen, after she called the police lady back who’d phoned us on Sunday night. During our call to Eileen, she said someone else was calling her and she had to take the call, but that she’d phone us back. She didn’t do it though. Later that evening she texted us to say sorry and ask how we were, but by that time I was furious with her.
So tonight I ripped into her about it.
Me: You really messed up Eileen. I don’t want to trust you any more. Its not worth it.
Eileen: Its ok to feel angry. I let you down. But just because I let you down, doesn’t mean our relationship is over. Its not all or nothing.
Me: Yes it is. I don’t need your help. I don’t need anyones help.
Eileen: Alicia, it must be so difficult for you to hold the anger about this. What do you need from me?
Me: I need you to admit your mistake.
Eileen: I own it. I didn’t call you back. But that doesn’t mean I forgot about you. The intention to do it was there. I sometimes have a crappy memory. It was only when I sat down and had a space to breathe, that I remembered. I am sorry I let you down.
Me: um, really? Ok. I guess sorry is good enough. I’m sorry too for being so angry at you. I busted up our room you know, it wasn’t pretty.

And I did. On Monday evening I tore up our room when I was angry. But the anger wasn’t just at Eileen. I’d been angry at our abusers too. So I was already raging. When she didn’t do what she said she would, i threw her in alongside my abusers, I wish I never did that, because she’s nothing like them. But in the moment I couldn’t see that. I was swallowed up in anger.

When I finished up bursting up my room, I started to cry. I told Carol anne to kill me, that she hates me, and i hate myself, and I am a horrible person. And nobody should like me because I don’t deserve any one to like or care about me. Eileen said it sounded like I was turning my anger inward and thats not good for me to do that.

So it went like this tonight
Eileen: How would it be to pause the anger, just when you get to the point of it turning into rage. How would it be to say “I am angry at Eileen, but I will talk to her about it, instead of busting up my room, and gturning it inward on myself.” Me: I suppose I can try that.

And I will try. Because I want to become a better person, a person who is more in control of her anger and anger outbursts.
Alicia

ANGRY!

I AM ANGRY I WANT TO DO SOMETHING REALLY BAD AND I DONT WANT ANYBODY TO TRY TO STOP ME I JUST NEED TO LET THE ANGER OUT BUT I CANT THINK OF SOMETHING TO DO THAT WMAKE ME FEEL BETTER BECAUSE THE USUAL STUFF, LIKE HITTING A PILLOW, TEARING PAPER, SCRIBBLING, ALL THAT IS CRAP AND I DONT WANT TO DO THAT KINDA STUFF. I DONT REALLY KNOW WHAT I WANT. ALL I KNOW IS I AM ANGRY AND THE ANGER IS AT OUR ABUSERS FOR ALL OF WHAT THEY DID AND ALL OF WHAT WE HAD TO GO THROUGH BECAUSE OF THEM.

FUCK YOU ALL OF YOU
ALICIA 9

Getting angry with our therapist

Its really odd, our therapist is ok with anger. We arent used to it as at home we’re not really allowed to express anger in a healthy way. But our therapist Eileen encourages it. Last session she said that because us and her are in a relationship, it is only natural that we’ll probably rub each other up the wrong way from time to time. And believe me that is true. Last week we were mad at her because she said one thing, then she forgot what she’d said so she never got back to us when she said she would. Its really confusing because while we were very mad, part of us was like, well, its the weekend, why do we have any right to be mad, she has a life, a family, and we are not part of her outside life or family. But when we talked it out in session last Monday, she said she probably should have been more clear about what she intended to do. She didnt go off on us because we were mad. No. Instead she said “I’m glad you were able to say it to me”. That makes no sense but to be honest I’m glad we’re able to say it to her too. It feels good to have such an open relationship with our therapist.
Carol anne

I’m sooo angry!

OMG, I feel so fucking annoyed. Ok where to start. I’ll just jump right in. I applied to this new organisation for survivors of abuse for funding to help me out with transport, and therapy costs. I applied in January of this year. It took months of me ringing and shit before they actually processed my application. Once I was assigned a case manager, they said I’d get the things I applied for. He started off by saying I had to send in all of my taxi reciepts, that was two freaking months ago. I sent them in for the past two months. He says he’s processing them and I should have a cheque soon. Then he said to me that it would be better if I gave him a cab company number, he’d ring and set up a contract so I wouldnt have to remember to get reciepts and send them in, to make it easier on me. Did he do it? No. And I have my psych doc apt next week, and I have a few trips to the basement club which will cost money. So this morning I rang querying if he’d talked to his boss, because he said he was going to do that. But no, he didnt. He snapped at me on the phone, that I shouldnt keep bothering him, that he’d talk to his boss when she comes in, this was after telling me on Wendesday afternoon that he’d do it on Wednesday and ring me back yesterday morning. I was very taken aback at the way he treated me on the phone. But I tried to be nice, even though I felt like choking him. I sware, trying to get money out of the organisation for anything is a nightmare! Dont even get me started about therapy, because I just cant do it right now. Needless to say there is a war going on right now around our therapy and costs. Anyway, after he ranted at me on the phone and told me again that he’d be in touch as soon as he set it up, but that it probably wouldnt be next week when I need it to be set up, I just hung up. I almost cried then but I didnt. Instead I rang K doctor Barrys social worker. K was very sympathetic to me. She said to try and not take it personally, that he was probably having a bad day and took it out on me. She said if I dont hear anything by next Wednesday to ring her back and she’ll talk to him. She’s already written a letter to him regarding our therapy and she said she wants a response so it will be in writing, he told me he got her letter but his attitude was oh dont worry we’ll sort it. I told her I didnt think he was going to respond to her letter. I sware I’m just fed up of dealing with their organisation. They’ve gotten a lot of bad press lately because they use a PO box, you cant meet anyone to discuss your needs, they are slow to process applications, they are even slower to give out money…there is just so much stuff. It makes me want to punch someone, preferably someone in that organisation. As a survivor, dont I deserve better? As an organisation to help abuse victims, shouldnt they do more? Shouldnt they at least try to be nice, and not fob people off? Its maddening.
Carol anne