Tag Archives: Anger

Alicia my conversation with our therapist eileen

so i did get to talk to eileen yesterday. for a long time. almost an hour. i told her how mad i was at her. and guess what? she said that was ok! she said of course your mad at me, i was supposed to give you space in the last session to talk, and i didnt. its natural that your angry. i dont blame you. that kinda took me by surprise. i was sorta expecting her to be pissed at me because i was angry at her. but i should have known she doesnt do that sorta thing. so we talked. and i told her that last week when i got mad i threw things, broke things, busted up my room… and she said it must be hard for me to manage the anger when it gets out of control. and i said yes i guess so. its not a nice feeling and i dont like it. eileen likened it to a 2 year old throwing a tantrum, and she said they only do it because of how they are feeling, and they cant manage the feelings and want someone to help them to manage it. she asked me if i’d like help to manage my feelings. so i said yes i would. so then she said she’d help me, and so would Carol anne. that she’d support carol anne in helping me. and if i needed time to express my feelings, that it was ok to do that with her. of course then i said when are you adopting me? and she said we’d have to talk some more about that. carol anne says my passion in life is to have either eileen or dr barry adopt me. i do really want that. is it a passion when you really want something? if so then that is definitely my passion to have either of them say they’ll adopt me. but me and eileen talked about it. she asked me if i know i share a body, i said yes. so then she said if i adopted you, who would come live with me? which one of the insiders? of course I said I would… but she said we’d all have to come, because we share a body. thats fine with me. she said she knows that i really want to live with her, and she’s sorry that cant happen, but she does know its a huge want of mine. and she said she hears me about it. so then i said if you cant adopt me, you can foster me! then she said that wouldnt work either because I’d have to live with her if she fostered me. then we both came up with an idea. she asked me if i think of her during the week, I said yes always. i think when i’m doing stuff, what would eileen do? or if i’m talking to someone, i say to myself, i wonder what eileen would say? things like that. so then we both decided that i could take her with me in my mind, and in my heart, its not as good as having her there all the time, but she said no child has their parents there all the time, 24 hours a day. so i like the idea of keeping her close to mem in my heart and mind. i think that could work. i told her i felt like an orphan, cuz my mom doesnt see me, or acknowledge me, or love me…she said that it is probably hard for our mom because she only sees the 35 year old body, she doesnt realise that parts are younger, and she just wants her child to be ok, eileen said most mothers just want their child to be ok. she also said there is never a simple answer when it comes to this stuff. i enjoyed our time yesterday. i hope i get to talk to her again really soon.
alicia age 9

I think eileen is mad at me

so you know i wrote the other day that eileen and me did not get to talk this week during our therapy time. and i was mad about it. and i want to tell her that i am mad when we go to therapy later today. but now im kinda scared. i think she’s mad at me. i texted her a picture of our new curly hair. and i asked her if she liked it. and she didnt reply to that. i know she doesnt always reply to stuff like emails and texts. but i thought she might reply to just this one and say it was pretty or it looked good on us. but she didnt. it makes me sad. i dont want her to be mad at me! maybe she’s mad because i wrote her an email and i said that she shouldnt have broke her promise to me. and i said some other stuff that probably wasnt so nice to say. now im not sure what to do. whether i should just stay mad and say what i need to say to her or whether i should not come out until carol anne has had some ttime first to talk to her. i think therapists are so complicated. and i wish they werent.
alicia 9

Say it with a song-My give a damns busted!

So you remember I told you I have dissociative identity disorder, and that means I share time, and my body, with other alter parts insiders? Some days it gets real loud in my head!  Well tonight is one of those times.  One of my alters named Liz, who is 25, wanted to share a song she really likes.  A little background on Liz…she’s outspoken, sarcastic, and when she’s angry, stay out of her way!  Well, this is one of her favourite songs, tonight she’s had it on repeat.  Enjoy!  And Liz says peace out to all of our followers! 🙂

 

Continue reading Say it with a song-My give a damns busted!

WE WERE FREAKED OUT TODAY, AN EMAIL WE SENT EILEEN JUST NOW

hi eileen
i need to write to get this out. i hope you dont mind. i cant sleep because its weighing on my mind.
today i went to see dr barry. i went for my usual weekly apt. i got there at 2 30…the apt was for 3 PM.
I didnt get home until six. And I didnt get seen by dr barry until 5 PM.
there was a really big scary incident today at her clinic. it had us scared, freaking out, and our ptsd symptoms really kicked into high geer.
this guy came in with his dad. i’d say he was in his 40’s. he was sitting next to us in the waiting room. he kept saying he knew us and did I remember him from the hospital, he kept asking to pet Nitro, and he kept asking me if I could see him.
his dad kept telling him to leave me be and to be honest i was not comfortable with his constant questioning of me.
then dr barry came out and took his dad in to her office. dr barrys cpn alison came then and got the guy and started talking to him. all was ok for a little while.
after a while his dad came out and they all went up to the desk, dr barry and alison, the guy and his dad. then everything kicked off. he went nuts. he was screaming and really aggressive, smashing things, slamming doors, swaring at alison and dr barry. it was so frightening eileen.
he kept this up for about 20 minutes, pacing the corridors and shouting at anyone and everyone, I’m not sure what was being done but it sounded as iff everyone was doing things to try to stop him, I heard Dr Barry on her phone, and then the cleaning lady came in to the waiting room and was looking out the window, some other guy came in too and they said that the guy who was causing all the comotion was outside sitting in the field, then when they gave a second look he was gone and there was a huge comotion because they couldnt find him.
thats when my imagination went into overdrive. i thought…omg, he’s going to come back with a knife, he’s going to kill or injure someone, he’s going to do something awful, i just know it.
then he came back into the building escorted by some men and a nurse. they all came to the waiting room and he started to try to talk to me again. by this stage nitro was a shivering wreck and so were we. I was almost crying and when dr barry came to get me a minute later I shot up out of my seat and grabbed her arm, and I was like, thank goodness your here. She was really apologetic and offered me a cup of tea because she said I looked as white as a ghost. Alison made me tea and I drank it as we had our session and I got ok again. But it was a terrible and horrendous experience.
I really hope nothing like that ever happens again when I’m up there.