I’ve been going around feeling quite dissociated today. Not sure why that is but its very concerning. My head is fuzzy. My mind is racing. One minute I am thinking about something intensely, the next my mind is a blurr. I’m finding that my concentration isn’t there and its become increasingly hard to try to stay present. I really hate this. Life feels so unbearable right now. I hate the fogginess of my mind, the intensity of my emotions. I just want to go home and not do any college work. I just want to relax and try to calm down. It feels so overwhelming. I have about another four hours before the day is over, and even then, it isn’t really over because I have to go see Dr Barry. Sigh.
I didn’t sleep good last night. It was partly because I slept earlier in the evening. When I came home from college yesterday my home help came and helped me cook, then I just crashed. So my pattern was all out of sync. I ended up waking up in the middle of the night and just got up then because I couldn’t get back to sleep again.
While I was up I caught up on email and read some blogs. I also fixed up my ipad, I had to reset it back to factory settings and update the IOS software. I am selling my ipad because I rarely use it, I always seem to use my I phone instead. My sisters boyfriend said he wants to buy it, so I’m selling it to him. I need money to buy a new laptop so I am selling a couple items, my ipad, kindle fire, and a netbook which I have but don’t like. Hopefully they will make enough money so that I can buy my new laptop and office and my jaws screen reading software as well.
Todays been a pretty quiet day at college. We had one class this morning, and someone came to talk to us about the schools new facebook page, other than that I’ve been just messing around online and stuff. I cant wait until next Monday when we will finally start the modules and really get into the work fully.
Tomorrow I see dr Barry. I’m looking forward to that. I’m sure we’ll talk about lots of stuff.
Heres our latest video blog. This time and probably from now on I’m doing these with my regular camera and not my I phone. Can someone let me know if you can actually see me? Am I fully in the picture? I hope I did it right! Enjoy.
Locked in silence
With memories so violent
My mind is buzzing
My head feels fuzzy
Into a dissociative trans
Off I start to dance
Panick and worry
My thoughts are in a flurry
So hard to think
I feel like I’m on the brink
We saw Dr Barry yesterday. We had a really long appointment, it was an hour and a half. Its usually an hour long. There was so much to discuss though. We talked about therapy and I told her that I didnt go last monday, due to my PTSD symptoms being really intense. I told her we’d discussed that recent episode of dissociation during last weeks therapy session. We figured out that there was contact from past abusers, both by phone and via email. I hadnt known this info but during our therapy session Allie disclosed it. We talked about us living alone, and how vulnerable we feel sometimes. Dr Barry said it seems I am worrying about a lot. And my anxiety is really intense. She seemed to think that starting college, and the fact that I really really want it to work out and am working so hard on making sure that happens, is heightening my anxiety. I tend to agree with her. I told her I wasnt sleeping very well. We discussed ways which I could try to get a better sleep pattern going. Then we talked about attachment issues, and I told her that last week in therapy I’d asked Eileen if I was too needy, or too intense, and how eileen had said no not at all. I told dr barry that I am very attached to both herself and eileen, and she asked me if I thought my attachment was unhealthy. I said I didnt know. That I am relying on herself and Eileen to manage that, because I have such a messed up view of attachment that I cant gage it. She said I was being very honest. We got on then to talking about family issues, mainly my mom and our relationship. I told her that its hard for me to feel certain things, like for example, I desperately want to be cared about and for but part of me says its not ok, that I shouldnt want that, because I never got it as a kid. So sometimes I intentionally prevent it from happening, for example, I shut down, or pull away from people, or do something to sabbotage it. Dr Barry asked me if its because I am scared, I said yes I am scared. But its also because its easier to pretend not to care, that way if the person who is caring for you pulls away or takes that care away, you dont end up hurt and rejected. She said she understands why I feel that way. I told her I am trying hard with both her and eileen not to do that. She said I am doing a very good job so far. We talked about my relationship with my mom, and dr barry said she felt it had improved over the last few months. How we’re doing things more now like having coffee together, I’m asking her to help me with practical things etc. She did say she knows my mom isnt really there for me emotionally. Nor she hasnt ever been. I said that is really hurtful and how I wished she was there for me in that way. I told dr barry that the kids in our system see eileen as their second mom, and they’ve even told her that. I said how I’d never be brave enough to say that to eileen. She said how I try to be age appropriate, and how I am older and the younger insiders find it easier to say those sorta things, they dont have that fear that I do. We talked about college, and I told her there had been a few teething problems. I’m dealing with them though with the instructors. She told me to try not to get too anxious, that things will work out, I just have to give it time and keep doing what I am doing in therapy, that she can really see a shift in our system dynamic over the last while. I was grateful for her feedback. It was really helpful. Sometimes I hate loaded sessions like yesterdays because there is so much to think about afterwords and to relect on. But I will, and hopefully I will be able to figure more of the puzzle out.