just woke from a terrible nightmare. feeling hot, clammy, sweaty, scared, shaky, vulnerable…
ug i hate hate nightmares.
i wish someone was awake to talk with. feeling disorientated and dizzy and very strange…
just looked at the time. Its almost 4 30 in the morning. i dont think i’ve been asleep very long at all. why is my sleep always littered with nightmares? i just want a night where I dont have any.
but sigh…that is just wishful thinking.
In the dark
Things look so stark
We get weepy
Everything feels creepy
Our senses heighten
As we fight deamons
The deamons that haunt us
Day, and night
Oh how I wish they’d take flight
Being so afraid of the dark
Isnt just something that happens at age 3
Because right now its happening to me!
Saoirse whose 12
I feel so fragile. I need a hug, but nobodys here to hug me. I’m all alone, alone with my memories. Feeling so sad, but I cant cry.
So the plan is to go out for the day with our family. We’re going to the beach because the weather is so nice. I knew about this since yesterday and I was all psyched up to go. But then this morning I awoke feeling bla and like crap. So I rang mom and I said I wouldnt go. Mom, as she does, persuaded me to go. She said I’d miss out on all the fun, and couldnt I just get ready and go. So reluctantly I did and I am going. I want to go, but I’m kinda nervous in case our dad is in a mood because of his leg being fractured. He’s coming too, despite the fact that he can barely walk. I’m wondering how he’s going to manage walking on the sand with one bad leg thats in a cast from his toes to his knees. Can you see it now? I hope he doesnt fall over again in the process. Anyway we’re taking a picnic for the beach and then later we’ll go to the nearby hotel and eat dinner before we come home. Despite my reservations about going the littles are really excited to go again to the beach so soon after we got back, which was only last week. And I say anything that makes the littles happy, makes me happy too. Its nice to feel their joy and know that they love the sand and playing in it. Plus our niece and nephew “the outside kids” are going too, and they always brighten my day and bring me joy. So it should be a good day, I hope.
I really hate the night time. I become so scared and triggered that I am unable to sleep so then I purposefully stay awake. I find that I can sleep better during the early evening say from six PM onwards till around 10 PM. Right now its past 2 AM. I’m wide awake. Every sound is triggering me. I just had to let the dog out and I got so frightened. I let him out and then I locked and keyed the door, even though he was only going out for five minutes. When I hear cars outside, or if I hear anyone talking, I think that someone bad is coming to get me. I even take medication for sleep but that doesnt help very much, so I’ve asked dr Barry to take me off of it. Well I figure there is no point in taking something that isnt helping. I think this sleep issue is something we will need to bring up in therapy. We are working on the coping with trauma related dissociation book in therapy, I know that there is stuff on sleep in it. I think too that partly it is because certain insiders including me either are too scared to sleep or dont want to sleep, they want to do other things.