Tag Archives: Adoption

a mommy? for dr barry and eileen

dr barry, can you hear me? will you listen?
eileen, you too.
i need a mommy. i know you think i have one. but i dont. she is the bodys mom yes, but not mine.
she doesnt want to knoe or see me. it makes me sad. i need a mom.
can you be my mom? both of you? then I’d have two mommys? Please?
my heart gets happy when i talk to you. because you care. your special. i love both of you.
eileen because you listen to me even when i’m angry, or scared, or pissed off. Dr Barry because you give me good advice, your kind, even though your a doctor you dont act like one.
i need a mom and i’m picking both of you to be that special person for me.
will you take care of me? will you wipe my tears when i cry? will you soothe me when i’m sad, and get mad with me when i get mad? will you hear what it is i have to say?
i just need a forever mom. i know you cant adopt me so i can live with you, but can i be adopted in your hearts? please?
love, alicia 9

i still want to be adopted, but i know, i know its wishful thinking!

i still want dr barry or our therapist eileen to adopt me. i havent changed my mind on that. i keep hoping it will happen. i dont care if i shouldnt. so what? so i keep being disappointed? thats my choice though isnt it?
carol anne says its my passion in life. and she’s right it is.
i think i want it so badly because i dont feel accepted by my own family, my biofamily i mean. they dont see me. they dont accept me. they dont talk to me or listen to me. and i feel alone and lonely. very very lonely.
and being lonely sucks.
so i dream about what it would be like to live with dr barry or eileen…with their families. and it feels good, only its not gonna happen for me.
and i am mad about that. and i dont think its fair.
dont i deserve a family too? who like me? want to be part of my life? want to get to know me? who want to see me and not act like i am not there, or invisible?
i think i deserve a family too. after all i’ve gone through, it sure would be nice.
i’ll just have to keep wishing, and hoping, and probably i’ll have to keep hurting, and being disappointed…
sigh…
alicia age 9

Alicia my conversation with our therapist eileen

so i did get to talk to eileen yesterday. for a long time. almost an hour. i told her how mad i was at her. and guess what? she said that was ok! she said of course your mad at me, i was supposed to give you space in the last session to talk, and i didnt. its natural that your angry. i dont blame you. that kinda took me by surprise. i was sorta expecting her to be pissed at me because i was angry at her. but i should have known she doesnt do that sorta thing. so we talked. and i told her that last week when i got mad i threw things, broke things, busted up my room… and she said it must be hard for me to manage the anger when it gets out of control. and i said yes i guess so. its not a nice feeling and i dont like it. eileen likened it to a 2 year old throwing a tantrum, and she said they only do it because of how they are feeling, and they cant manage the feelings and want someone to help them to manage it. she asked me if i’d like help to manage my feelings. so i said yes i would. so then she said she’d help me, and so would Carol anne. that she’d support carol anne in helping me. and if i needed time to express my feelings, that it was ok to do that with her. of course then i said when are you adopting me? and she said we’d have to talk some more about that. carol anne says my passion in life is to have either eileen or dr barry adopt me. i do really want that. is it a passion when you really want something? if so then that is definitely my passion to have either of them say they’ll adopt me. but me and eileen talked about it. she asked me if i know i share a body, i said yes. so then she said if i adopted you, who would come live with me? which one of the insiders? of course I said I would… but she said we’d all have to come, because we share a body. thats fine with me. she said she knows that i really want to live with her, and she’s sorry that cant happen, but she does know its a huge want of mine. and she said she hears me about it. so then i said if you cant adopt me, you can foster me! then she said that wouldnt work either because I’d have to live with her if she fostered me. then we both came up with an idea. she asked me if i think of her during the week, I said yes always. i think when i’m doing stuff, what would eileen do? or if i’m talking to someone, i say to myself, i wonder what eileen would say? things like that. so then we both decided that i could take her with me in my mind, and in my heart, its not as good as having her there all the time, but she said no child has their parents there all the time, 24 hours a day. so i like the idea of keeping her close to mem in my heart and mind. i think that could work. i told her i felt like an orphan, cuz my mom doesnt see me, or acknowledge me, or love me…she said that it is probably hard for our mom because she only sees the 35 year old body, she doesnt realise that parts are younger, and she just wants her child to be ok, eileen said most mothers just want their child to be ok. she also said there is never a simple answer when it comes to this stuff. i enjoyed our time yesterday. i hope i get to talk to her again really soon.
alicia age 9

Philomena movie review

I just watched an incredible movie. It was called philomena. Its set in Ireland and is about an irish woman named Philomena who becomes pregnant in her mid teens. As a result her father sends her to live with the nuns, and because in the 1950’s ireland was all about the catholic church, she was forced to work in the abbey, and then after she had her baby, he was given up for adoption, and she never saw him again. She didnt tell anyone of her secret for fifty years. Then she tells her daughter and her daughter gets in touch with a journalist who helps her to trace her son. Its an incredible story with many ups and downs. They do find her son eventually after much searching but unfortunately tragedy has struck and he is no longer alive when they trace him. It turns out the family who adopted him also adopted her best friends baby Mary, and both children did not have the greatest childhoods. She finds out her son was a lawyer and worked with both president ragan and president bush. He was also a closet homosexual. He died of aids. I highly recommend this movie to anyone. It is a tear jerker at times but it also has some happy moments. Philomena is also a book if anyone is interested in reading it.

Dr barry gave me advice today…but it was so hard to hear

I saw dr barry today. I spent a lot of time talking to her. Mostly i told her how much my life still sucks. And how im feeling about things, like my family, i have lots of feelings about them that i am struggling with. Dr barry gave me some advice. Im trying to listen and take notice of what she said to me…but oh my gosh it is so hard to hear it. here is what she said.

Me: dr barry…why do i have such a messed up family? Why don’t i have a mom who loves me? Who accepts me? Why cant i have that?

Dr barry: Alicia i know this is really hard for you. I know you desperately want a mom and dad who are supportive of you, and who accept you and love you for you.

Me: yeah, thats what i want more than anything dr barry. I keep wishing and wishing for it.

Dr barry: its hard Alicia, because you are really in a catch 22 situation. Because of your age, it is even harder on you. If you were older it would probably be easier, but please listen to me honey. Your going to have to do some work with Eileen on accepting that your family are not who you want them to be, otherwise your going to just keep feeling awful forever, and your going to keep having your feelings hurt, and being disappointed.

Me: silence.

Dr barry: Are you ok Alicia? Is this hard to hear?

Me: silence again.

Dr barry: you have told me your struggling with anger, hate, resentment, sadness, confusion, and many other emotions. Try to work with Eileen in therapy on these over the next few weeks Alicia, it really will help you in the long run if you do.

Me: starting to cry…dr barry? Why are things always so hard for me? I just need someone to love me and care about me. I just…i need it dr barry?

Dr barry: Alicia, sweetheart, i care about you. Eileen cares about you. Deep down inside, i’m sure your family cares about you, they just don’t know how to appropriately interact with the insiders. Your mom and dad have made huge mistakes. They’ve failed you in a lot of ways. Your going to have to somehow work hard on your emotions, and on accepting that they are limited in what they can offer you, in how they can support you, otherwise your going to struggle forever and never find peace.

Me: sighing…i know dr barry. The reason i keep pestering you and Eileen about adopting me is that you two listen to me. Your always there for me. You see me. You talk to me and find out what i need, what i am thinking, you listen and you care. I just want that dr barry. I just want to be loved, cared for, wanted…thats what i want dr barry, its what i need and want. Thats why i am always joking about you adopting me, but its not really a joke dr barry. I really really struggle with it.

Dr barry…taking a deep breath in…I know you do sweetie. I know its not really a joke even though we laugh about it. I see the seriousness of it really I do.

Me: thanks dr barry. Your the best. Im so glad i have you to talk to me and i want you to know your amazing.

Dr barry…smiling…thank you. Your pretty amazing yourself.

Then i got carol anne. And i left feeling happier than i’ve felt in a while.

alicia