Tag Archives: Abuse

Seeing Dr Barry yesterday

we saw dr barry yesterday. it was a really good and productive appointment.
we started off by talking about therapy and about liz and her therapy session that she had on Monday. Dr barry was really interested in how that had gone for Liz. she didnt speak directly to liz, Liz wasnt in the mood for talking so I did the talking instead.
I explained about Liz wanting to commit suicide and coming really close to doing so on Sunday night. Dr Barry was wondering what had made Liz so suicidal, I said it was a combo of things, both dealing with painful emotions and also dealing with memories and having had a lot of flashbacks lately.
Somehow then the conversation turned to our childhood. We ended up talking about the disfunction in our family, our dads alcoholism, and we also spoke about the did, Dr Barry was wondering how far back it was that I remembered us dissociating. She was surprised that I remembered being 3 and talking to the others, when everyone else thought I had imaginary friends. But I clearly remember the others being there, and having conversations with them. I obviously did not know then that it was did.
We talked about our grammas suicide, she killed herself when we were five years old. I talked to Dr Barry about some memories I had surrounding that and her death.
We also talked about our mom now, how most of the time she isnt accepting of the did, and she doesnt acknowledge insiders, but occasionally she does something that shows me she really is quite aware of the fact that there is more than one of us in this body. For example a few years ago when I was hospitalised, I remember asking her to bring some stuffed animals and dolls, and she did it without questioning me about it. And another time she brought some books kids books without asking why I needed them. Its things like that that let me know she kinda gets it sometimes. She just isnt capable of fully understanding the magnitude of the situation.
Dr Barry said she’d introduce me to Zuliana, the junior doctor, and I could use her as a fall back for when Dr Barry is out of the office, as she’s going to be there for six months. I kinda know her already, as she admitted me to hospital a few times, she’s quite friendly, bubbly and quite nice so I dont mind using her if I have too.
We also discussed my sleep and I told Dr Barry I didnt want any meds, she said she’s glad I’m not looking for meds, because they are dangerous for me with our history of overdosing on them, but that if things got real bad then we could look at it again, and she would give them to me if I really wanted them and felt I needed them but right now it would be better if I didnt use them and she was hopeful I could gage if my sleep was off and that I could use my skills I learned to help me when I am tired, and she also said that when I start college in september that she’s hopeful things will settle down. I hope so.

Sometimes my dads a real fucking asshole, yesterday was one such time

So long time readers and friends will know I have a pretty intense relationship with my dad. Its always been that way. My dad, for those who dont know, is an alcoholic. He likes to think he isnt, but he damn well is. All of my childhood, he’s drank. In 2007 he got sorosis of the liver, and he gave up drink for four years but in 2011 he started again. Yes he drinks less now, but he still drinks, and when he drinks, he’s an asshole!
Yesterday morning, I got up, and went to the kitchen, I had been staying in mom and dads on Saturday night. I was sitting eating my toast, and I happened to mention to mom that I needed some groceries, and could she take me at some point? Usually my PA would take me on satuday morning, but this weekend I had to go to dublin so my PA didnt come on Saturday. So I said to mom could she take me, and she was like in a mood about it, and asked me what do you need? She said it in a way that was like “I dont really want to go” “Do you really need that much?” so of course I got snippy then and reacted by becoming irritated and snapped at her.
Immediately my dad started in on me…without warning. He said that I was treating mom badly, and I’m always treating her badly, which is totally untrue. He then went on to say that I was very bitter, I had an attitude, and was angry at the world. Hello? I’m angry at the world? Well yes! The world has been pretty fucking mean to me! First his drinking, his temper, then the abuse I endured, then the bullying, and on and on, you get the picture. Excuse me if I am a little angry because of all that.
When he’d finished calling me names, and saying things about me that werent nice, I was crying, upset, and ready to go home. I almost went home. Mom actually stood up for me even though I’d originally snapped at her. Later I apologised to mom and she told me just to not say anything around dad, that what he wont know wont bother him, and that if I needed her to go grocery shopping that she would, that all she’d been asking was what I needed, she didnt mean to sound like she was saying we shouldnt go.
Its too bad my dad wont deal with his anger issues, he’s always saying how I should give up seeing eileen and Dr Barry. He wants me off all meds. He says I dont have a mental illness. He says I just have an attitude and anger issues and its up to me to fix that.
Well, if I have an attitude and anger issues, I wonder where I got them from? Learnt behaviour? My family is so disfunctional that its not surprising I have those issues going on.

Fakers fucking piss me off!

I’M FUMING. I COULD KILL SOMEONE RIGHT NOW, LITERALLY. I KNOW WHO THAT SOMEONE IS. A PERSON WHO NOT ONLY FAKES DID, BUT IS NOW FAKING RITUAL ABUSE TOO. THIS PERSON I’VE KNOWN ONLINE FOR YEARS. THEY’RE NOTHING BUT TROUBLE. AND I’VE HAD ENOUGH. I’M DONE. THEY WERE A PART OF MY DID EMAIL SUPPORT GROUP. I ALLOWED THEM ON IT THINKING THEY’D CHANGE. YES I GAVE THEM A CHANCE BECAUSE I THOUGHT THEY ARE DESERVING OF ONE. THEY HAD BEEN THROWN OFF A LOT OF GROUPS FOR FAKING DID AND FAKING OTHER ASPECTS OF MENTAL ILLNESS. NOW NOT ONLY ARE THEY DOING THAT BUT THEY ARE FAKING RITUAL ABUSE TOO. EVERY TIME THEY WRITE AN EMAIL THEY SAY MORE AND MORE THINGS THAT ARE GRAPHIC AND EACH NEW EMAIL HAS MORE IN IT THAN THE LAST. THEY ARE LITERALLY TAKING PEOPLE ON MY GROUPS STORIES AS THEIR OWN. INCLUDING OUR STORY WHICH IS DESPICABLE! I CANNOT BELIEVE SOMEONE WOULD DO SUCH A THING. ITS CRAZY! I’VE SPENT THE LAST HOUR RAGING AND SO ANGRY AND WANTING TO THROW SOMETHING OR HIT SOMEONE PREFERABLY THIS PERSON. THIS KINDA THING IS UNCALLED FOR. I KNOW WITH ONLINE PEOPLE YOU CAN NEVER REALLY TELL WHATS TRUE AND WHAT ISNT BECAUSE YOU HAVENT MET THE PERSON AND YOU ONLY KNOW WHAT THEY SHARE. AN EXAMPLE OF THIS PERSONS WILD STORIES IS TONIGHT THEY SAID THEY WERE BORN IN A CAR CRASH. AND ALL OF A SUDDEN THEY HAVE NUMBER PROGRAMMING AFTER CLAIMING FOR YEARS THEY WERENT RITUAL ABUSE SURVIVORS AT ALL. I’VE HAD IT WITH THEM. I REMOVED THEM FROM MY EMAIL LIST. NO MORE CRAZINESS AND FABRICATED STORIES! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! THEY CAN PRETEND SOMEWHERE ELSE. I’M DONE WITH THEIR BULLSHIT. COMPLETELY DONE AND NOT GOING THERE ANYMORE. BY BYE, FAKERS!

night time equals flashbacks

im hurting, scared, sad, upset, fearful, just a mess. its 2 AM. i’m triggered. we all are. we’re getting flashbacks, we feel terrible. we’re at our parents and everyone is in bed so we’re alone. if anyones out there we’d appreciate some support. just not feeling good and wish tomorrow would come. it seems less scary when its bright outside. when there are other people around. when its daytime.
carol anne

allie’s thoughts on fathers day

its fathers day and im sad. it triggers me. i remember a lot of abuse on that day for lots of years. not from our bio dad. but from the people in dublin. in the cult. its so scary and i dont think i like today. i just want today to be over. all of our family are celebrating it and we are trying to as well. im not being out a lot because i dont like the reminders of my past. im just trying to stay inside, safe, and away from all the triggers.
allie age 9