Day Twelve: What’s the worst thing you’ve woken up to finding out your alter’s done? What’s the best?
One time I woke up lying in a pool of vomit. One of my young insiders whose 12 had overdosed on all of my meds. We’ve had more than one overdose but this one was particularly bad. I remember crawling to the bathroom and trying to pull myself up to the toilet bowl to puke. It was awful. I remember trying to grab the phone to call my mom for her to come and help me. I was lucky. That overdose landed us in the medical ward for a week.
The best thing that has ever happened to us by an insider was when my child parts got to play with their friends in another did system as my partner is multiple also. When we visited them in America they all got to hang out. The teens and adults did too, but the expressions and ways that it impacted on the child insiders was amazing to watch. They were in awe. It was like they were free to be themselves without anyone impinging on them. It was so lovely.
Day Eleven: How much control do you have over switches? Do you know of any specific things which cause specific alters to front?
Well it depends. Sometimes, on a good day the control is good. We can stop a switch mid way, or if things are generally good, we can function all day as the adult part, or in an adult part I should say. Only giving time which we set out for the kids. But on the worst days, our control is nill, zero. We switch easily and we call it roladexing where its like the revolving door scenario, we constantly go in and out and all over a creation. There are a few things which cause certain insiders to front. For example rap music causes darina whose six to come out, because she loves it. The sight of blood causes taylor whose six to pop out, as she often has hallucinations of blood. It really just depends. There are many more things that will cause a certain insider to front.
Day Ten: Have you ever done a system map? How extensively have you mapped your system?
We tried a system map some years ago. We never finished it though. We found it to be too difficult at the time. I’m sure if we tried again now we could manage it though. We know a lot more now about our system than we did back then. I know a system map is different for each did system. Some systems just put the names and ages of system members on their map, while others put lots of info about each system member on it. I think for us we would just do the names and ages part because there are way too many of us and it could become way too long.
Day Nine: What level of co-consciousness do you have? How do you feel your communication skills are within the system? How do you want to grow in those skills?
We have a varied level of coconsciousness. Some of our system members have almost perfect coconsciousness, while others dont have barely any. It really depends on who your talking to in the system. Some system members will be able to tell you about our day to day life, and about the things we do daily, but others wont. In therapy we’re working on inner communication and inner cooperation. Its hard to get the cooperation going but when it happens its lovely. I hope to keep working on these aspects and eventually I would hope our communication would be much better than it is now. It would certainly be nice if we were all on the same page…
Day Eight: How did you first discover you were plural? Was it before, after, or during diagnosis?
We discovered we were plural early on. When we were 18 we got into therapy. Our then therapist realised pretty quickly that something was up, since we were losing time, dissociating, and then a child part came out in session one day. When she realised we might be multiple, she got us in with a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist assessed us and then decided that yes we were multiple. That was in 2001. It was unofficial as that psychiatrist was not an expert in did and trauma or dissociation in general. In 2010 we had the opportunity to have some did experts come over from the Uk and test us and formerly diagnose us. So in 2010 we were formerly diagnosed with did. The tests were long and very intense. We had the structured clinical interview for dissociative disorders done. A lot of things fell into place for us once this interview was done. We were then able to work more on inner communication once this test was completed. Before that we werent really doing a lot of internal work in therapy. After diagnosis we started with Eileen who is our current therapist and since we started with her we’ve made huge progress.