My appointment with Dr Barry yesterday was intense. Firstly, at the last minute we switched times. I had to get my monthly injection yesterday as well as seeing Dr Barry so that meant I would have had to go to the hospital twice in one day. Well when I rang the clinic nurse to tell her that I wouldnt be able to do that she said if I came in the morning that Dr Barry would see me because it was quiet and she was free so thats what I did. When Dr Barry called me in and came to get me she seemed concerned. When I got in to her office she said I am very worried, the fact that you arent in college isnt a good sign, you must have had a terrible week. I kinda laughed then and said to her, Dr Barry, dont worry, I’ve been off for 3 days. After that she calmed down and we talked. I told her that I’d had a pretty intense week, the dissociation was still pretty bad, my emotions were all over the place, and my anxiety was still pretty intensive. We talked about therapy and I told her that last week I felt we did not get much work done because we couldnt get our shit together to talk to eileen. The words werent coming. I told her how Eileen had said the process of recovery wasnt linear, and for us to not worry, things will happen when the time is right. I told her I am just impatient and want things to happen faster than they are. Dr Barry said that Eileen is right. She then said she had to ask me a question. She said last week during our appointment, she felt that it was implied by me that I thought she was disappointed with me and my progress and that the fact that one of our meds had to be increased meant that I felt she was disappointed in us. So she asked me if that was true. I said that yes, I felt like I was disappointing her. She said no that wasnt true that I am not. That she doesnt see increasing the med as a set back. That everyone has ups and downs in their recovery, everyone has challenges to face, and with the did I have a lot to cope with. She said that I am still doing great, and even if I wasnt, she would never be disappointed in me. I thanked her for her honesty. We talked about college and I told her about the meeting last Friday. She said I made the right decision in staying and sticking it out and she couldnt believe the manager had given me the option of leaving and coming back in 3 months. She said he possibly got overwhelmed and couldnt cope and that is why he did that. I dont know but I am happy with my decision to stick it out and stay. We talked a little about her upcoming holidays in 3 weeks time. She went to see if Zuliana who is her junior doctor was free, so that we could make introductions and stuff but she had just taken a patient in and so we’ll have to wait until next week to meet. Well, we already know one another but Zuliana doesnt know the ins and outs of our case, and Dr Barry wanted to make her aware of a few things before we meet in 3 weeks. It was a good appointment though overall.
Life is made up of small pleasures. Happiness is made up of those tiny successes. The big ones come too infrequently. And if you don’t collect all these tiny successes, the big ones don’t really mean anything.
We all have a fear of the unknown. What one does with that fear will make all the difference in the world.
I’m just finished seeing Karen who is my nutritionist. After losing 2 pounds last week, I was thrilled, but this week, I am up a pound. It is so frustrating. I am not losing as fast as I’d like. Karen has a theory as to why. A few years ago I got my gall bladder out. Well, she says when you don’t have a gall bladder you cant break down fat, your body is able to do it properly. So she advised me to use lecitan seeds. They help break down fats. She thinks I am losing weight in some parts of my body but not around my waste. She also thinks my increased exercise is building muscle and as you know muscle weighs heavier than fat. Its just so annoying. I want it to go quicker than it is going. It is not for lack of trying. I cant try any harder, literally. We’re going to keep working weekly because I told her when I go weekly I have more motivation. Plus it is helpful for me to see someone every week. It keeps me on track and on target.
I am beyond stressed. Just came out of a meeting with the manager of the college I am in and the rehabilitation officer. I was not expecting this today. I did get to raise all of the issues I am having though which is good I guess. It was a pretty positive meeting overall. I told him that I was not happy that I wasn’t able to access all of my notes, and I also told him that maybe I should get a reader. At first he said maybe we could record the classes, but then he decided that wouldn’t be a great option because of data protection and copyright and other issues of possibly the student in the class not wanting to be recorded as there is a lot of class discussion. So then I said would he get me a laptop. He eventually said yes he could but then he tried to tell me it would take 3 months. He gave me the option of exiting the course and coming back in 3 months when all issues have been resolved. I quickly said no that I didn’t want to do that. I would prefer to just continue with how things are now. So then he said he could probably get me a second hand laptop. He’s also going to talk to the training standards officer about the exams and assessment process and see if we can get alternative questions set for the ones I am unable to do, and see if I can have a reader. Usually they aren’t allowed to see the exam papers or assessment instructions before they take place but he said he’d make a case for me and hopefully they’ll agree and let them have them. I told him that everything else was going fine, and he said I was doing a good job on advocating for myself. I did mention my level of frustration which is why he gave me the option of exiting for a few months until everything is sorted out. I guess it will show when I do my first exam in two weeks. We’ll see then how well I am coping I guess. Until then, I’ll just work with what I have and how things are. Its all I can do.