ITS ME, ALL GROWN UP?

YESTERDAY I WENT TO THERAPY. YES I DECIDED THAT RATHER THAN END IT AND DIE, I’D CHOOSE TO GO TO THERAPY AND SPEND TIME TALKING WITH EILEEN. SO I DID.
WHEN I GOT THERE I HAD TO FILL UP A FORM TO ALLOW THE ORGANISATION WHO FUNDS OUR THERAPY TO SPEAK WITH EILEEN AND OTHERS INVOLVING OUR CARE, THAT WAS EASY. THEN CAME THE HARD PART, WHERE I ACTUALLY HAD TO TALK AND TELL HER WHAT WAS GOING ON. I TOOK A DEEP BREATH AND WENT FOR IT.
I TOLD HER I’D BEEN SUICIDAL ON SUNDAY NIGHT. THAT I WANTED TO DIE. THAT I COULDNT TAKE ANY MORE OF MY THOUGHTS, OR OF LIFE IN GENERAL. THAT MY HEAD WAS SWIMMING AND I HATED HOW I FELT AND I WANTED OUT OF MY HEAD. SHE LISTENED. AND SHE ASKED ME TO EXPLAIN MY THOUGHT PROCESSES A LITTLE BIT MORE.
I TOLD HER THERE WAS TWO OPPOSING VIEWS. AN OVERWHELMED PART OF ME, AND A NUMB PART. SO THEN SHE ASKED ME
“CAN YOU STEP BACK AND BE SEPARATE FROM THE TWO PARTS? THESE ARE PARTS OF YOU, TRY TO STEP BACK AND ALLOW YOURSELF SOME SPACE AND THEN WE CAN HEAR FROM THESE PARTS”
SO I DID THAT. ALL OF A SUDDEN I SAW A ROOM. IT LOOKED LIKE A LONG SQUARE ROOM, WITH A COUCH IN IT, AND GLASS WINDOWS. I COULD SEE MYSELF STANDING ON ONE SIDE OF THE GLASS, AND THE TWO PARTS OF ME WERE INSIDE THE GLASS. I TOLD EILEEN THIS AND SHE SAID WE’D GO WITH THAT. SO WE DID.
WE DID SOME EMDR, AND SHE HAD ME TELL HER WHAT I SAW. WHAT I SAW WAS A LITTLE GIRL, ABOUT SIX YEARS OLD. SHE LOOKED LOST AND ALONE. SHE LOOKED SCARED. HER EYES WERE GLASSY AND SHE WAS CRYING. EILEEN ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO GO AND COMFORT HER AND AT FIRST I DIDNT. AT FIRST I TOTALLY RESISTEED IT. BUT EILEEN PROMISED THAT SHE’D BE WITH ME IF I WENT INSIDE THE ROOM. THAT IF THINGS WERE TOO OVERWHELMING I COULD COME BACK OUT AGAIN. SO I DECIDED TO GO IN, GO OVER TO HER, AND PUT MY ARM AROUND HER. LIKE I SAID SHE LOOKED TO BE AROUND SIX. SO I WENT IN AND I FOUND HER AND BEGAN COMFORTING HER. I FELT LIKE SHE NEEDED SOMEONE OLDER TO REASSURE HER, AND THAT PERSON WAS ME. THEN EILEEN SAID
“THIS IS YOU AT A YOUNGER AGE, YOU ARE HER ALL GROWN UP”
OH MY GOD. I WANTED TO CRY. ALL OF A SUDDEN I FELT A HUGE LOSS. LIKE LOSS AS IN I FELT HER SENSE OF ALONENESS AND HER NEED FOR LOVE, FOR CARE, FOR CONNECTION. AND I SAID TO EILEEN
“I SHOULD HAVE HAD THAT GROWING UP! AND I DIDNT. AND IT HURTS. I DESERVED TO FEEL LIKE MY NEEDS WERE BEING MET. INSTEAD THEY WERENT AND I WAS BEING HURT.”
EILEEN REACHED OVER AND TOUCHED MY ARM.
“ITS OK LIZ, SHE SAID SOFTLY. ITS OK TO FEEL THIS WAY. YOUR DOING GREAT. YOUHAVE A RIGHT TO FEEL THIS WAY.”
I REALLY WANTED TO CRY BUT I DIDNT DO THAT. I FELT MYSELF BECOMING ANGRY BOTH BECAUSE I WANTED TO CRY AND DIDNT WANT TO ALLOW MYSELF TO DO IT, AND BECAUSE MY NEEDS HADNT BEEN MET GROWING UP. I TALKED TO EILEEN ABOUT MY FAMILY FOR A WHILE. ABOUT HOW MY LITTLE SISTER WAS ALWAYS SHIELDED FROM EVERYTHING AND HOW I WASNT. HOW WE HAD TO CARRY THE WEIGHT OF EVERYTHING GROWING UP, ABOUT OUR DADS DRINKING, WHEN THERE WOULD BE ARGUMENTS AT HOME, WHEN THE ABUSE CAME OUT AND IT WAS KEPT ALL HUSH HUSH, EILEEN AGREED.
“YES SHE SAID. THAT IS A VERY VALID POINT. SHE WAS SHIELDED FROM SO MUCH, AND YOU WERENT.”
WE DID SOME MORE EMDR THEN AND WORKED WITH ALL THE FEELINGS THAT ALL THIS INFO BROUGHT UP. IT WAS A HARD SESSION. BUT I HAVE TO SAY I FELT ALL THE BETTER AFTER IT. EILEEN SAID I DID GREAT AND WE GOT A LOT OF HARD AND IMPORTANT WORK DONE. I TALKED TO HER ABOUT HOW WE’D DISCONNECTED LAST WEEK. SHE SAID ITS THE NATURE OF RELATIONSHIPS AND SOMETIMES IT HAPPENS BECAUSE SOMETHINGS RUNNING IN THE BACKGROUND, BUT THAT THEN WE FLAG IT AND IT GOES AWAY AGAIN AND THE CONNECTION COMES BACK. I SAID I HATED IT WHEN WE WERE DISCONNECTED, AND SHE SAID SHE KNEW THAT, AND HAD GOTTEN EMAILS DURING THE WEEK FROM YOUNGER PARTS ABOUT IT TOO.
I’M REALLY REALLY GLAD I DIDNT KILL MYSELF AND DECIDED TO GO TO THERAPY INSTEAD.
KLIZ

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