Flashbacks hurt

I’m hurting. I dont want to feel. But I am feeling things whether I like it or not. And I dont like it one bit.
My skin is crawling. My stomach hurts. My heart is thumping and my chest aches. I’m trying to breath like Eileen tells me to do. But its not easy.
I have such a hard time with breathing deeply. Most times I hold my breath when I’m scared or when the flashbacks hit full force. I went to the basement club this morning. I’m there now. It isnt helping and usually it does. I feel so lost.
This pain is unbearable. Everything around me seems to be unreal. I dont feel real either. Dissociative maybe. Parts are close to the surface. I cant switch to any parts because of being in the basement club where there are other people who dont know about the did. Oh my god this is so intense. I just want to crash and crumble but I cant. I must smile act happy and pretend to be ok.
Its all about pretending. If anyones around I’d appreciate some support.

7 thoughts on “Flashbacks hurt”

  1. It’s ok sweetheart, you are not alone. Try to do what Eileen told you and if it’s not possible, try to find someone and talk to them. Stay busy for a while until you feel better.

    hugs ❤

    1. thanks. i’m trying. i went to the quiet room for a break for a few minutes. then i went and bought lunch. i feel a little bit better now. trying to keep breathing…thanks again, xoxoxo

  2. you are doing really good using things to distract yourself and ground you in the present moment. i know breathing deeply is really hard to do, even worse when you feel like this. but you have such insight into what’s happening, and you are really using your skills — that is amazing and shows a lot of growth. im sorry you are hurting, but i hope all the things you are doing will help you settle a bit and feel better.

  3. I’m so sorry. I have been in this space so often lately. It’s awful. Not sure what to say, but you’re not alone. Thinking of you ❤

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