Friday therapy session

I was really looking forward to our therapy session yesterday. There was so much stuff going on. I needed to discuss a lot of things. And I did. Between us we resolved a lot of issues.
Eileen started off by asking about the internal distress, the dissociation, the internal conflict that was going on amongst us. She said she was very aware on Wednesday that I had said to her that the dissociation was causing us to not be able to function, that we’d missed appointments because of it. So we explored that a little bit.
I told her that I felt abandoned, by both her and Dr Barry. Both of them went on holidays recently. Dr barry is still on holidays. I told her that we’d missed our apt with Dr Barry, but on the day of the appointment parts of us wanted to go to it. But there were also parts that said no, pull back. Dont go. She’s abandoning you by leaving, so you can show her that you dont need her anyway by not going. Eileen said she could see the conflict going on for us. How the pain of being left, had triggered us into internal chaos. She asked me how old the part was that felt abandoned, I said about five or six.
She said then that its not surprising to her that we would be feeling that way. She asked me to remember that time, being five and going to bording school on the train, by myself, she said I had to foster dependence then, so even though I was overwhelmed and traumatised and distressed, that in order to keep going parts had to shut down, and just, get on with it. So that is what they are used to doing. That is how we live, that is how we function even now.
I told her that it is confusing because while she was gone, parts were counting down the days until she returned. Not everyone was doing that, but I was, and some others were, too. So some of us did that, while others raged that she was gone, some said she didnt care about us, and that they were done with her and with therapy.
She reassured me that she did care, which I knew anyway, but its always nice to hear that. She said that she had thought of us a lot while she was away, that the night before she left she’d had an email exchange with both Taylor and Allie, she told me that they’d been pretty scared and angry at her, and she’d talked to them about that and reassured them that she’d be back again and she’d be refreshed and more able to take care of us and be available and there for us.
It was a hard session. And now I need to do it all over again when Dr Barry comes back, because I will need to tell her what happened, why I missed my appointment with her. Not looking forward to that really if I am honest.
We talked a little about the voices and Eileen said that it sounded to her that we were just really distressed, and that the voices were probably parts trying to say what was in their head, what they needed, wanted, etc. I think she’s probably right. Once I acknowledged the parts and their wants-needs, they did seem to calm down, and relax a little bit.
I feel glad that we had the second session to process all of this stuff. It means I can now go and enjoy my weekend and I am not worrying and waiting until next week to try to get all of this out.

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