Tomorrow I have an apt with Karen the nutritionist. I dont want to go. I’m so nervous. I dont think I’ve met my target, and that makes me feel bad. I just know if I havent managed to lose any weight I’ll be disappointed. I hate teing disappointed. When I havent lost weight and when the numbers stay the same, or even go up, I get so depressed. I feel like just giving up. It makes me want to do distructive things. It makes me feel awful. Its bad enough I feel fat and disgusting. People say to me your blind, why does it matter, you cant see what you look like. But it does matter. Everyone likes to look nice, and most women want to be slim and thin and pretty. I am no exception even though I am blind. Being fat is the worst feeling in the world. Being on meds doesnt help of course, they make you gain weight. I dont care if the doctors say otherwise, I believe the meds have a role to play in my being overweight. Of course there is also the small problem of my bulimia, and the fact I binge on junk food, its a vicious cycle, because I binge, then want to get rid of the large amounts of calories, so in order to do that I throw up. Then the feelings of shame, guilt, frustration, inadequacy come flooding me and I am back to square one again. I really hope tomorrows apt is a success. Its been 3 weeks since I’ve gone. One week I didnt go because my grandad died, one week I was sick, and last week I just wasnt motivated and canceled. Its so hard to stay motivated when the weight is flucuating, my problem is I can only lose about 4 pounds, then I am stuck for weeks at the same weight. She says its because my gall bladder is gone, and thats the organ that breaks down the fat in your body. I just dont know. What I do know is its really disheartening when you arent succeeding as you should be.